


How do you cope?

by thattinynerd (beautyinthenight)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek 2009, Star Trek Into Darkness - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AU, Gen, Journal, M/M, References to Suicide, Spoilers, Suicide, read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 09:57:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautyinthenight/pseuds/thattinynerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b> SPOILERS FOR INTO DARKNESS </b>
</p>
<p>How do you cope when a captain and friend dies? (Set in an AU where Bones can't save Kirk using Khan's tissue).</p>
            </blockquote>





	How do you cope?

**Author's Note:**

> Contains references to death and suicide. Also major spoilers.

_3 days since Jim’s death._

My name is Doctor Leonard McCoy, chief medical officer of the Starship Enterprise. And this is what I’m prescribing myself to deal with the trauma of losing my captain. I don’t think the word ‘trauma’ fully covers how I’m feeling to be honest, it’s more like the feeling of your heart being shattered. I’m meant to see my medical officer and then get referred to a physiatrist or some other person. But I’m my own medical officer and I don’t talk about feelings unless I’m so drunk I can barely stand. So I prescribe myself to write my feelings in this journal. This feels ridiculous. But here goes nothing.

I don’t think I can live without Jim. Sure he was a pain in the arse but he was my best friend for so many years that I was used to it, that I actually liked it and him. He was there in my lowest moments, and life just won’t be the same without him. The way he was intuitive, he always knew what needed to be done, even when it came to emotions. Goddamit Jim, why did you have to die? Why? I think the crew would have preferred it if we’d all died together, you becoming a martyr destroyed us, and keeps destroying us.

The Enterprise is in ruins, our captain is dead… Me and the others will never function properly again.

How do I end these? I guess I could copy my Captain:  
McCoy out.

-

_5 days since Jim’s death._

They laid him into the ground today. We sat in our black uniforms, the first time the crew has reunited since… Well. Checkov was the least composed of us all, sobbing into my shirt throughout the entire service, leaning on Sulu for support as we left the building. Even Spock cried, we all did – we must have cried a lake between us, but his silent tears ran down his face as if nothing could stop them. Scotty was too drunk to talk, though he wanted to, but he cried all the same. His sobs were loud and punctuated with hiccups, they would have been comical if the situation hadn’t been so sad.

The speeches were tough too. I said some words about how brave he was, and about the first time we met, before it all got too much. I had more of a speech prepared, I could have talked about his ridiculous allergies, about his sarcasm, but words failed me when the feelings got too much. Spock had read up on human customs, his was just saying how much he missed Jim… How they were best friends. But Checkov’s speech was the worst. Jim was the father figure, his idol, and now he was gone. Poor Pavel didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. It completely explained why Checkov was hurting so much.

I’ve been drinking since I got back to my quarters, so for 2 hours now. Scotty and anyone else who wants to are going to join me soon. Drinking away our sorrows in true Jim Kirk style.

McCoy Out.

-

_6 days since Jim’s death._

To get myself, Scotty, Uhura, Checkov, Sulu, Carol and (surprising though it was that he turned up) Spock, it takes a surprising amount of alcohol. I’ve spent a lot of money, I have a killer hangover... but it numbed the pain for a while.

Alcohol numbs everything.

McCoy out.

-

_10 days since Jim’s death._

Spock got offered the place as the new Captain on the Enterprise once it’s been repaired. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know if he would be disrespecting Jim’s death if he took the job, he doesn’t know if emotionally he could manage it. I don’t blame him. I personally could never go on that damned ship again. The logical thing, of course, is for Spock to take the job, after all it is a promotion. But that’s the thing, ever since we lost Kirk, the pointy-eared bastard has become more and more human. He’s been emotionally compromised to the point where I simply can’t believe he’ll go back to his old, grumpy, Vulcan ways.

Talking of changes, I’ve realised that we’ve all taken to calling Jim, well, Jim. It used to be a mixture of Captain, Kirk and Jim, but more and more we just use the first name, as if that’s all we need to refer to him, he’s at the forefront of our minds. I visit his grave often, and I rarely find it empty. Often Uhura is there, sobbing, murmuring how she wishes that they had gotten on better in life. Too late for than Nyota, but at least she can get her feelings out. I CAN’T. I need to shout and scream at Jim for leaving us, and hug him, and yell again. Crying just makes me feel weak. 

McCoy Out.

-

_14 days since Jim’s death._

At 0200h this morning, Sulu committed suicide. Checkov found him in their apartment, swinging from the ceiling with a bed sheet tied around his neck. He didn’t leave a note, but we all know why he did it. He couldn’t face this walking death of losing Jim. He was depressed before this happened, only I knew (being his medical officer) but he never used to let it get the better of him. Being on the Enterprise kept him busy, kept him happy, and the feeling of doing something right helped him tenfold. Mourning just brought him to new lows in the end.

How many more people am I going to lose? I don’t think I can bear another death in the crew, I really don’t think I can! There’ll be another funeral for Hikaru, how many more will I have to attend until it’s just me left? I’m going to fall to pieces. But shit, what is Checkov going to be like now? We all always assumed that the pair and something between them... what if they did? I’m going to have to look after him, he reminds me so much of my Joanna in a way – so young and innocent. He’s like a lost little puppy, and now he’s lost two of the people most dear to him. God I feel sorry for him.  

There’s going to be an autopsy tomorrow, standard Star Fleet procedure, and I’ve been asked to supervise. I honestly don’t think I can without breaking down.

McCoy Out.

-

_15 days since Jim’s death._

I spent all night hugging Checkov until he finally fell asleep. I sang to him (even though I can’t sing), I rocked him, listened as he babbled in Russian, until unconsciousness came over him. Poor kid. He cried all day, he and Sulu were definitely in love. It’s a pity that it was wrenched from him, he didn’t deserve that. He was so cold, so pale, like snow. His heart is a block of ice, shattered into millions of pieces. I know how it feels to be heartbroken, but at such a young age, that’s worse.

And now it’s my turn to sleep, driven by the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed.

And what’s the point of even signing off anymore?

-

_20 days since Jim’s death._

Hikaru’s funeral was today. I sat with my arm around Checkov, as he trembled and shook with more sobs than ever before. This funeral was different to Kirk’s, it was less formal. All of Sulu’s family were there, sitting in the front row with me and Pavel. The second funeral in 2 weeks, thankfully not one which I have to speak at, his family and Checkov being much better placed to talk about him. 

Jim should have been there. He and Sulu owed each other their lives, after that trip to Vulcan. Jim could have said something witty, and it would have made the whole affair less morbid in a way. Jim should have been sat next to Checkov, not me. Now we know how much his captain meant to him, that would have been a better comfort. Instead I had to awkwardly hug the Russian, even though I’m no good at comforting people – I’m more of a practical man. 

Funerals suck. I’d hoped after Captain Pike’s funeral that I wouldn’t have to attend another for a while. Then came my own Captain’s, and now my helmsman. I still don’t understand how all this crap can happen to one crew. 

Bones out.

-

_21 days since Jim’s death._

Those of us who remain spent all day in Scotty’s apartments, drinking as much as we can.

-

_22 days since Jim’s death._

Checkov is in hospital for liver problems. Scotty’s been sent away to fix a broken ship planets away. Uhura is with Spock. 

I am alone.

-

_23 days since Jim’s death._

What’s the point in living anymore? The engine blew up! Scotty’s dead! THIS ISN’T FAIR.

-

_24 days since Jim’s death._

Logical Spock has made the logical choice on ending his suffering, according to his note. We found him with the pills hours too late. 

He was my only true friend who was left.

-

_25 days since Jim’s death._

And now Uhura feels like Checkov does and sits by his sickbed constantly. I’m completely alone. Who fixes the doctor when the doctor can’t fix himself?

-

_26 days since Jim’s death._

I need to join Spock, Scotty, Hikaru and Jim. It’s the only way I can be happy. Lethal injection all prepared.

McCoy out, for the final time.


End file.
